Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Ever feel like this?

Dear Diary,

Ever have those days where you are just down? Where nothing works in your favor? When everything you seem to do only makes you feel more down? Ever get in a rut and can't see a way out? 

Well all the above I am feeling! 

I can't wrap my mind around why I feel this way. I never experienced postpartum. I never looked at my child and wish I never done it. He's the best gift from God to me and I can't imagine my life without him. 

No, this isn't about him. This isn't postpartum. This is strictly about me and how I feel about myself. I can't seem to get motivated to go running, when I have a half marathon I need to be training for. But all I seem to do is complain to myself about how I look and how I hate the way I look these days. How nothing fits and I have this hot, fit husband who is completely out of my league that I have to compete with. 

I was always the fit one, the skinny one, the tan one. Now I feel like the fat one, the pale one, the one who always seems to be sour about something. I have what I call a donut I can't seem to get rid of (it's where Brody was stationed all 9 months) but when it comes to eating healthy, I can't do it. Eating chicken breast and veggies everyday makes me more depressed. Eating pizza is way more fun!

I feel like I need an out. Something to do. I do the same things everyday. I work Monday and Tuesday and I am a stay at home mom Wednesday-Sunday and the cycle continues. I wake up, feed Brody, play with Brody, bounce Brody, feed Brody, play with Brody, put Brody down for a nap that he will wake in 45 minutes because for some reason God gave me a child who hates to sleep, to rock Brody so he can sleep a little longer, to play with Brody, to feed Brody, to have dinner myself while Brody is at my feet, to play with Brody, to put Brody down for the night, to doing the dishes and laundry, to taking a bath, to going to bed and the day starts back over. 

I am not complaining about being a mom. Please don't read into that being a mom is blah to me. It's the best. I am just talking about having nothing for myself. I am a mom, wife, friend, daughter, co-worker and that's it. I use to paint, I use to draw. I use to be able to go work-out on my own and not worry about a child being left at home alone. I feel like I never get a moment to myself anymore. And I know that comes with having a child, (again not complaining about that), just wish I could find something I was into again. Something that I do for me and no one else. 

I need to find that spring in my step again. Something to motivate me. All of my friends are fit, beautiful, wonderful moms and you would think that would be motivation enough. You would think having the husband that I have would be motivation enough. 

But it's not. 

If you have ever felt like this, please let me know what you did to get yourself out of the rut. I am all ears to finding a way out of this hole I seem to have put myself in. Or if you are still in that rut, let's start a club together! My life is not perfect. I am not perfect. I never have claimed that it was. And I don't want it to be. I just want to be the best I can be for myself, for my husband, for my child. 

Please don't read into this as I am depressed or would anyway harm myself or anyone. I am just venting to myself, on my blog, where I express my feelings. Please don't text me or call me asking me if I am ok. I promise you I am. I am just simply feeling blah these days.

That is all. 

Love, Me